Zalford's Scandals

Ready for a religious rollercoaster where salvation is secondary to Swiss bank accounts? Welcome to the glittering megacorp of Dr. Mat Zalford, Th.D., D.D., LL.D. (Honorary), Esq., -a televangelist, self-anointed Apostle of Affluence(TM), and the audacious CEO of Epic Celestial Empire. Forget charity and humble prayers; Zalford's gospel is turbocharged with LED-lit miracles, gold-plated fog machines, and a God who only blesses those in silk robes and six-figure tithes.

Gone are soup kitchens - in Zalford's Holy Trinity of Televangelism (Spectacle, Sponsorship, and Swiss Accounts), your faith is judged by your offering receipts. Each Sunday sermon is a Broadway-grade prosperity pageant: think hydraulic pulpits, flaming MicroLED halos, and a chandelier shaped like a dove projectile-vomiting coins. Meanwhile, his wife Amelia (the Chief Faith Officer) beams beside him, assuring the faithful that the poor have "spiritual, ethereal, and conveniently unspendable" riches. Well, isn't that just splendid for them?

Zalford doesn't just preach the Word - he monetizes it. His Bentleys come with Bible verses etched on the hoods. His Rolexes tick to the rhythm of divine ROI. His third yacht, The Floating Epistle, doubles as a mobile baptismal spa - because why not get dunked in style?

From modest beginnings to tax-exempt tycoon, Zalford's rise is so remarkable and inspiring that it's literally memoir-worthy. His autobiography, From Meek to Millionaire: A Pastor's Path to Platinum Grace, topped charts in "Christian Inspiration" and "Financial Manipulation." Zalford's meteoric rise is pure genius. Politicians grovel for his endorsements, networks jostle for his sermons, and billboards beam his glittery grin from every corner.

In this novel, faith gets a high-definition makeover, complete with heavenly branding and platinum-card salvation. So, if you've ever wondered what happens when televangelism meets capitalism, buckle up. Affluent parishioners adore him because, in Zalford's theology, wealth is heavenly confirmation. Poverty, on the other hand? Proof of spiritual laziness.

Will you join the faithful in their quest for spiritual affluence, or will you stand by the gates, wondering where your prayers went so horribly, hilariously wrong?